Let me just start by stating the obvious, your mindset can either empower you or destroy you! What you do physically, mentally, socially, can either set you up for failure or great achievement. Most of the time you see my blog about food, health, clothing styles, fitness, but today I'm going to get personal, which is hard for me because it kinda goes against my belive of not posting my WHOLE personal life on social media. I guess this is why I started a blog called "The Raw Truth". A place I could share my knowledge in hopes that it would help someone, motivate someone, encourage someone to make better lifestyle choices. Most of you that know me, know I'm pretty blunt, to the point, honest, a perfectionist, an AMAZING cook(Aaron says so, haha) and that I have a love to help people. Most would describe me as just that, along with motivating, empowering, kind-hearted, kinda goofy. I'm the go-to person when it comes to health, fitness, etc. I'm also a good listener and I like to believe that my advice to others when asked comes from a place of been there done that, made that mistake, that doesn't work, try this, or do that. I would have to agree with all those things people think about me, but also I'm still human. I am not perfect, sometimes I am insecure, a worrier, and I get scared. I could probably write a book about my life starting at the age of 15 up to now, 34, about the struggles I encountered, the heartbreak, the bad choices, the good choices, and it might even be a good read!! If I could turn back time, there are things I would change, but if I did I'm not sure I would be the same person as I am now. So, those things that happened in my life made me who I am now and that is hard to disregard. In June 2019, after a few months of trying to have a baby, we found out we were pregnant. We were overjoyed. We had it all planned out. We had planned a baby and then we would enjoy a beautiful destination wedding later the next year! We wanted to start trying right away because we both weren't getting any younger!! God had different plans. In August, after 8 weeks of growing a human inside of me, hearing a heartbeat, getting excited to tell everyone. We experienced a loss. Devastated, heartbroken, beyond sad, just to name a few emotions we went through. I won't go into great detail about this but it was hard, I couldn't wrap my head around it. I went to a place in my head, that now looking back, wasn't great, wasn't healthy. That motivated, go-get-it person was not there and at that time I didn't know if I would get back to my normal self. I cried probably ten times a day, broke down to a point that I physically could not move, unimaginable emotional pain. Even after hearing "these things happen," "it's normal to go through a loss," though I knew the statistics of miscarriages it still did not take away the pain that I encountered. About a month or so after, I tried to get back to some type of normalcy, a routine trying to distract myself. I knew I needed to grieve but I didn't know how long I would continue to feel just awful. I took day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute. Eventually, I started to feel myself, started to enjoy again. Getting back to myself felt good, even though a piece of me was forever changed. I had a plan, yes, another plan. Aaron and I decided to put the trying for a baby on hold and plan our wedding. I had gone off the exercise wagon for a while, to be expected and I wanted to dial it back in. I had a goal in sight, even though I still was in great shape I wanted more. I wanted to get back to my "bikini competition" shredded body and wanted to accomplish this before the wedding. I knew how to do it, I had all the tools to do so but yet again God had another plan. After paying a deposit to a wedding photographer in Cabo, booking our wedding venue at the hotel, sending out invitations, etc etc. Yet another one of my carefully thought-out plans was slowly not looking so exciting anymore. Two pink lines that brought me so much happiness months before, brought me fear, anxiety, sadness, and disappointment. I know some may read this and may take what I said in so many ways. Someone reading this may have heartache knowing that I just said two pink lines brought me disappointment. Someone reading this might be struggling with infertility and think I'm cold. Or someone might understand. The truth is hard though. I don't pretend to be something for anyone other than being honest with myself. Yes, I was fearful, I was fearful of being happy and having been through a horrible situation before and having it taken away again. Yes, I was full of anxiety, wondering what do to with being pregnant and had just made all these deposits for the wedding and not sure what would happen. Yes, sadness, the sadness of thinking about the fact that I wanted to feel sexy and beautiful in my wedding dress and being 6 months pregnant in a dress wasn't the ideal look I was going for. Yes, disappointment, I was disappointed that I had a plan and now I had no control over what was going to happen. If you were to ask me "how I was" at the beginning of what I thought was such terrible news, I was a mess, I didn't have control of how I was, or maybe I chose not to have control. Two months after finding out that we were pregnant again, the time most would be happy, I was all over. Meaning, one day I would be happy, one day sad, one day frustrated, negative. I am usually the complete opposite of negative, always finding the good in every situation. I even put off finding a wedding dress till the last minute because I was so scared of not being able to find a dress that made me feel beautiful or being disappointed with finding something that I really didn't picture myself in. All of these unknowns, all of the uncertainties I dwelled upon. We even talked about rescheduling the wedding. One day I remember Aaron saying to me, if you're not going to be able to enjoy your special day then let's reschedule, if your outlook is going to be so negative then let's do the wedding another time. Being hormonal I didn't take that statement in the best way. But he was right, I knew I didn't want to cancel the wedding, but I also didn't want to feel the way I was feeling. The whole idea of not being able to relax with my friends with a few drinks and have fun, or not finding a dress that I felt good in, it was eating me up. When a woman plans her wedding I'm sure she doesn't view herself having a pregnant belly. Even though I was becoming more and more excited about our baby boy, planning this wedding around that, wasn't very exciting. Choosing to stay positive was difficult. At the end of the day, we were both excited to share having a baby together and having this baby brought me healing when I didn't expect it. Getting married to my best friend was what I wanted. I needed to change my outlook. After what Aaron said to me I knew that I needed to make better choices on how I reacted to situations. I knew that I didn't want to look back on this and wish that I had been looking at this differently. So I changed my attitude, I only focused on things that I knew I had control of. I knew deep down that I would regret having a crappy attitude through all this and I definitely wouldn't enjoy my time with my friends on our wedding vacation if I didn't make a change. It wasn't easy, it wasn't just a switch I could flip-to "just staying positive." I had to make a conscious choice every day how I was going to approach things, every situation negative or positive that was thrown my way, I wasn't going to let a negative situation have an impact on me so gravely that it took over my willingness to be happy and stay positive. I shared this with you because it's my truth. My story leading up to my wedding day and the things that happen could be viewed as small problems compared to others. I'm sharing this is in hopes of someone reading, they find comfort in knowing that they're not alone in this thing called life. Even though you are the only person that can control your actions and mindset, surround yourself with people that encourage you and motivate you, that you're happy around. If you are struggling with a job, relationship, your health, emotionally and/or physically, YOU are the only person that can overcome these challenges you face. Your MINDSET is everything!!
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